Tapes

While Jordan and Aaron were visiting, the four of us busted out our VCR and hooked it up to one, then two, then three old TVs in the basement, finally finding a TV that works. A couple years ago, Mom had handed me a box of videos -- marked, appropriately, "Videos of My Kids" -- and said, "I know I'll stick this somewhere and never find it. Would you put it somewhere safe and let your OCD keep it on your radar?" Done. Piece of cake.

Lots of feelings washed over me when we watched the VHS tapes of our childhood. Nostalgia, touches of sadness and melancholy, lots of humor and goofiness, sweetness and kindness. Maybe the thing that struck me most -- and I do hope this comes out the right way -- is how CUTE we all looked. Growing up, I was so insecure; I was that nerdy bookworm in the back of the Catholic schoolhouse classroom, awkward and a touch clumsy and so very curious about my identity, sexually and otherwise. I associate many of my childhood memories with shame, with being picked on and misunderstood and discriminated against. But there I am on the screen, a darn cute kid who didn't look nearly as "ugly duckling" as I remembered....and during our viewing of the 4th grade play I starred in, The Three Spinning Fairies (insert your own joke here), we were all struck that -- while I certainly wasn't going to be the next Anna Paquin, of The Piano fame -- I did carry myself, acting-wise, in a way that seemed beyond my years.

Why is hindsight so much more....insightful? I suppose that's the blessing and the curse of it. Don't we all wish we could, at times, zap ourselves back to the past and say, "IF ONLY YOU KNEW!"

And Mom. Oh, my mother. We went through so much for so long with my father after he left, and Mom was sad and scared and depressed for so long....Even though she was always the most beautiful woman on the planet to me, I associate those formative years -- that bridge between childhood and adolescence -- as a dark space where family dynamics often equated melancholy, fear, abandonment. Those feelings have washed over images and faces, and I realize -- in my mind -- I'd not given nearly enough credit to how striking, how gorgeous, Janice Adele was. She just radiated sexiness and depth, sleek sweaters and lioness curls. But, like me, Mom projected onto herself her insecurities -- and those around her picked up on them.

Lemont, Illinois....Lake Geneva, Wisconsin....You were the worst and the best things to happen to me, to all of us. So much of my writing, consciously and subconsciously, has been influenced by you two. I hate you, love you, and miss you at the same time. Like you're two lovers who have scorned me, but also helped shape me. I suppose that's an accurate way of looking at it all.

Here's to 2009, everybody. Happy New Year. May blessings shower themselves upon you -- and may you shower them on others -- as we spiral into a new phase of things.

And a special shout-out to my family: People are always commenting on what a great family we are, how strong and connected and grounded, and I know it's because we chose to let the past make us rather than break us. And Mom, you definitely get the award for Best Mom Ever.

xoxo