Boys Cry

I've cried twice in the past week. I mention this because it's been a touch unusual for me to cry lately (and it's unusual for me to write that; I've always been such a natural at it!). Last week a lot of things in my life came to a head. Teaching at AIPD began; got going again--in full-force--on my writing; dealing with home life issues. I felt a touch overwhelmed, and when I missed a phone call from Aaron, who'd phoned me from Glasgow, I just lost it in my office at work and started crying in front of R. Thing is -- it felt REALLY good to let it all out of my system. Plus, Aaron tried me back just a couple hours later and we were able to connect. The second Tear Time was this past Saturday. Mom was flipping channels and landed on Fly Away Home, a film inspired by true events about a young girl and her father who help a flock of geese migrate by leading them with airplanes. The first time I saw this film was right around 9/11 and my breakup with J. That breathtaking song by Mary Chapin Carpenter--"10,000 Miles"--just gets my heartstrings every time, and Mom looked at me lovingly and said how silly I was being:)

For a while now I've been pushing some things back--hopes, fears, questions--and while letting them in is scary, it's also necessary for change. So these touches of tears, this melancholy, is far outweighed by what it represents. The last year has been just a whirlwind for me (though I tend to think every year is a whirlwind). I look forward to some Non-Whirlwind Status. I just have to learn to breathe better.

Vancouver, B.C. was just as lovely as always. I loved the Granville Island market, and I was especially fond of the hat shop (hello, Mr. Monkey knitted cap) and the kids' stores where I met Hannie, my hand-puppet owl, who now is hangin' out at the Buck Motor Inn. I had so much fun with Ben, Scott, and Nick....and it feels as equally wonderful to be back in Portland, settling into an autumn routine. Writing, teaching, working....lots going on. But isn't it funny how when we have less time we often get more done? I feel focused (and less OCD-centered) because of my increased responsibilities.

Little things & moments, as always, are what stand out to me: the streetlights and wet cobblestone streets in a historic district of Vancouver; the two puppy dogs I saw last week, homeless and timid, searching for love and breaking my heart; Mom curled on the couch with Ollie at her feet, the Halloween lights strung up, the candle burning and coating the air with its almost cranberry scent; Ben curled in bed, a pillow smushed against his face; my new Green Man postcard; feeling happiness for K and S, their new home, sad for them for their recent loss, thankful I got to remind them about the Feast Day of Saint Francis; seeing Christina at Snow's office, and hugging her and breathing in that awesome hair gel she uses; walking around Aurora while Mom was in the antique store, drinking my coffee and eating banana bread and talking with strangers, then grabbing a super-yummy lunch with Mom at the Colony Pub, later returning to our cozy, comfy home and our pajamas; just thinking about all the wonderful people in my life, just exploding with gratitude for them. So much more.

I am scared and excited and hopeful and apprehensive and curious. I'm letting all these things swirl around me like clashing canvases; I think I'm ready for it.

p.s. I'm really loving the new CD I made for B. It's rockin' and one of my best efforts to date!