Lilly Pads, Easy Bake Ovens, Pie Coolers, Slutty Photo Opps., Flying through Trees, & Then Some

Back at the end of 2007, I had high hopes for this new famed year. Jordan told the family it would be a lucky one because his birthday falls on 08-08-08. Both the “0” and “8” are signs of infinity/divinity, plus I’ve personally always related to the number 4, which has its own place in certain spiritual circles and which makes me think about Mom, Jordan, Aaron, and myself – a solid unit going forth together.



Can’t say 2008 has been that spiffy, to be quite honest, but I DO feel, if it’s not a lucky year, then it’s one of transformation. Finally the sadnesses and angst and turmoil seem to be clicking into their proper puzzle shape (even if that’s only in my own heart and head), and I can almost feel myself growing stronger, shedding skins, allowing myself to go into those uncomfortable places where I’m forced to ask myself difficult but necessary questions. Do I feel “good”? No, not really. But do I see the bigger picture and how I’m better for all of this? You bet. In the end, I’m really learning more about two main things in 2008: forgiveness and letting go. Forgiveness is a powerful gift, and yes, I’m referring to forgiving oneself just as much as I’m referring to forgiving others. And it sure is tough to do so for both! Especially when certain relationships and situations don’t offer you closure, and the closure you may have come to in your own heart is stained, maybe curdled like spoiled milk. Letting go for me means trying not to make everybody happy all of the time (insert rest of the saying here). It burns me out, and Nathan gets lost in the process somewhere. So, slowly, I’m finding those little chinks of time to read, meditate, not feel like I ‘have” to get back to people this very second, basically to just allow myself to be human and to get off my martyr pedestal I can occasionally hang out on while drinking too much coffee. Being plain ol’ human is strange and wonderful. It’s exhilarating to bask in my flaws and mistakes, to stitch them into my Tapestry with curiosity and a sense of adventure rather than judgment and disappointment. This could be interpreted wrongly: in other words, it could come off as an “okayness” to do wrong, or hurt someone’s feelings, or to not live up to one’s personal potential and calling. I mean quite the opposite: it’s about working toward goals (personal, professional, you name it) while also realizing I’m not a robot who is going to always say the right thing, be there in the exact way someone needs me to, make the healthiest choice 100% of the time. Simply, it’s about being. Being kind and doing kind things, striving for the White but being okay with the Gray (and not purposefully, manipulatively working for the Darkness). Finally, it’s also okay for me to say, “You know, that person was wrong in this scenario! They did screw up! I don’t have to be a saint who sees things as 50/50 when that’s not the case whatsoever!” Tough questions. Hard-won answers.



The hardest part of letting go revolves around my family. My mother, Janice Adele Veronica Bonaguro Buck Sinclair, is my greatest role model of integrity, and I’ve had to make a conscientious effort to step back, instill some healthy distance while simultaneously offering unconditional compassion and empathy. Codependent tendencies run in everybody’s blood, and part of truly loving someone is realizing you don’t need to provide tidy bows for them – and they don’t need to provide tidy bows for themselves, either. Faith, ultimately, is a yin-yang relationship with oneself.



Speaking of faith (it’s obviously been on my mind, as is evidenced by my last two posts), I’ve definitely had my “crisis moment” this year. Only with baby steps am I learning that God/the Universe/Nature/Inner Silence doesn’t owe me a damn thing – or vice versa. Life, simply, is, and directing my negative energy toward some human need for karmic justice is only going to make me more negative, and to attract more yucky energy toward myself. I’m sick of being angry. Petty. Resentful. Jealous. Let’s face it – I have absolutely no reason to be. I’m a blessed soul, and I’m grateful.



I’m forever grateful to Marieke for giving me the word “convergence” to work with (a healthy replacement for that myth, the “coincidence”). Get this: for about a year now I’ve had in my room one of my mom’s antiques, a painted-white wicker contraption that was used for….well, heck, I had no idea! All I knew was, hey, it has four legs, has two wicker circles/shelves – one high, one low – for me to place my art and figurines on, and it must’ve been used in the past as a side table of some sort. Glenn and I were hanging out, and suddenly he gives the wicker thingy a quizzical glance and goes, “How long has your mom had that? Did she happen to buy that at an antique garage sale at such-and-such location last summer?” By cracky, she did! Turns out, this old-fashioned pie holder (for after the pies come out of the oven and need some time to cool off) used to belong to Glenn! Glenn has become a good friend in a short amount of time, and besides our mutual love of doll limbs and morbidity, we now have a pie connection! (Glenn has also been experiencing some owl dreams, and we’ve had many other moments of “Oh my gosh, that connection is weird” over the past several weeks. The guy has the greatest taste in antique jack-o-lanterns and late 1800s magic tricks & board games. And anyone who also likes to tie mock nooses around doll heads and hang them in his home gets an A+ in my book.) Here’s another convergence: on Friday I decided to take a peek at the last novel I wrote, which I completed in grad school and have lovingly tucked to the side for now. Not many of you know this, but I took part of the protagonist’s name and part of her best friend’s name from my close childhood friend, Amanda Peterson. (Protagonist: Amanda. Her friend: Maria Peters) I’d been wanting to look at the novel again, let the characters sink into my system, and they just opened up inside me all over again on Friday. Lo and behold, I checked my email Sunday – and Amanda Peterson has contacted me, after maybe 16 years of us not knowing what was up with the other! I was so touched, so happy to hear from her, and I wrote her this morning and filled her in on the latest goings-on with me. How interesting to reconnect with someone after so long, when we both have canyons of stories to share. I’m excited. How great! Plus, we can reminisce about “first kisses” in kindergarten, Slip-n-Slides, Easy Bake Ovens (read: I was a REALLY gay little kid), Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree, Halloween costumes, and more.



Refreshment has come lately in the form of vacation. Many months ago I planned the “perfect trip” for my family (sans Aaron, who is just finishing up his Masters in Fashion Design in Glasgow, Scotland). Mom, Jordan, and I created some amazing memories during Jordan’s 10-day visit. Some of the highlights: spending the first Friday with Jordan while Mom worked, book shopping and bar hopping; going to the coast to visit Tara, walking down to the ocean shore as dusk got slowly swallowed by night, stumbling upon an abandoned, raging bonfire with the lighthouse and bright moon behind us; the Oregon Country Fair, with faeries and Green Wo/Men, pixie children and yummy hemp milkshakes; three days at the Lilly Pad tree house bed and breakfast, with the radiant Sandy Lilly, and the unbelievably kind staff at the Out N About Treesort, where we flew through the trees and air on ziplines, went horseback riding in the forested hills, swam in the spring fed pool, and ate organic breakfast scones and quiches; my semi-slutty photo opp., where I wore the Green Man mask I’d been wanting for the past three visits to the Fair and finally got – I couldn’t help but pose for 3/4 of the pictures as if I were a cheap model for the book cover of some sci-fi/fantasy/erotica novel for gay men that you’d find on the 50 cent rack in the back corner of your local haunt (those are NOT the ones that made it into this blog posting!); those last couple days in Portland, singing karaoke with Jennifer, finishing Twin Peaks with Tara, eating lots of food, sleeping in. Jordan and I have moved on to a new phase of our lives where we are more open with one another; we share more; we’ve let many things go; we trust. It’s lovelier than words could ever say.