Trust

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Trust is the sexiest word. I can't think of a better quality in a human being. I've decided this is the word that will mean the most to me with men, and it's also the word I want to apply to myself, my life, the way I treat others. So there.

Wednesday was so bizarre. Two things:

1) I'm walking downtown, and I turn onto a street to throw out my coffee cup and I see an ambulance; the medics; lights flashing; a man doing CPR--white latex gloves on his hands--and he's just pushing, pushing, pushing onto this man's chest on this bench, and the man's chest is collapsing and rising, and I was shocked by how doll-like he seemed. My thought process in 1.5 seconds: Do I move forward and toss this coffee cup into the trash and let the natural progression of life & death happen and then keep moving? Do I stop and stare like these other folks? What if I toss my cup in the trash and it makes a clinking sound and in that split second the medic flinches and then does something a beat off and the man dies because of it? So I turned around and didn't meet the eyes of the other people staring, and I found a garbage can on the next block.

2) I'm waiting to have my consultation with the tattoo artist at Tiger Lily, and these two giggly young women are waiting for the one to get her tattoo. I ask if it's her first, and she gushes, yes, she's excited, and then she goes back for her tattoo, and when she comes back, she's just glowing. She says loudly and cutely, "It's exactly what I wanted!" and then, as the artist is ringing things up, she shuffles quickly over to me and whispers in my ear (so adorable), "Am I supposed to tip him?" I say like a pro, "Yep," and nod in a "I totally know what I'm talking about" kind of way, and then she leaves him this huge tip. It was such a pure, innocent moment. She and I had a brief glitter-connection.

Thursday--yesterday--is one of the weirdest days I've ever had in my life. It involved: J's Circle, and Laura showing me the drawings they'd made, and the colors that reminded J of me (brown, orange, green) and how--inside the print of his hands--he saw a lizard in a tree and a dragon breathing fire. I shared with everyone the story of visiting J in the hospital and seeing his spirit for a split second, that pure part of him just bursting open and smiling and telling me everything will be okay. Thursday also involved hugs and chocolate and drinks with Marianna, writing a message for B-Diddy and plunking it inside one of the art sculptures at Crush. They have these cool structures with latches and gadgets, and paper with with pens, and you can leave messages for people! How strange: I was with B-Diddy on Saturday, and we had coffee at this amazing coffee shop (tables that move, things hanging from wires from the ceiling, a kayak, stuffed animal, and mannequins in the bathroom) and up in this said bathroom were pens and pads of paper, and you could write messages there, too, and then stick them to the walls and furniture. So I wrote something to the effect of, "I won't ever date a man who doesn't believe in mermaids." Mermaids, and mermen, have been on my mind a lot lately. Guess I'll have to search in Tori's apple orchards for the significance of this. Also yesterday: Talking with Aaron for an hour while wandering through the graveyard off Belmont and Morrison, and this man had these dogs who were running gracefully through the cemetery. The air smelled crisp, and I was in awe of all the different languages on the gravestones, and I sat by this one grave with this beautiful cherub and these fake but bright flowers. Finally, to end my weirdness, I stopped by and saw Ben, and at the end of us hanging out I said, "I really want you to see my back before I get my new tattoo," and he said he was thinking the same thing. We shared this really raw, vulnerable moment and I knew that he was going to be the last person to see me without my ode to my mother and to Grandma Nellie trailing down below my left shoulder blade. It felt right.

This morning, after writing, I just lay on the ground and cried to Trespassers William because I feel so weird about things right now, and I just cried and it felt wonderful, and I feel J all around me, sifting through the air, making shapes above me.