Friendship (Or, Family: The Extended Cut)

I am constantly struck by the beauty of friendships, how they can sink into our bloodstreams and stain our veins. I have a friend of mine, J, who let herself cry in front of me for the first time this weekend. There is a strange form of raw love that comes with allowing someone to see you be vulnerable like this. I feel closer to J than ever. And she just glowed this weekend, even in the midst of a breakup with someone who is also wonderful and strong. Seriously, J radiated light.

I got this image in my mind this morning of A.J. Beckert, and how we met on Halloween when I was in fourth grade and he was in fifth. He was Dracula, I was a homemade ghost, and we (meaning, Mom) gave him a ride home. There we were in the big blue van with all the rust on the sides, a vampire and ghost just chilling as only children in Halloween costumes can. I have pictures of me that day, the way my mom chalked up my face with whiteness, drew black lines and circles around my eyes and lips. Mom always pushed the edges with my costumes, made me into Scary Ghost instead of Cute Ghost. That's one of the infinite things I love about Jan Buck -- her willingness to capture the essence of something, not to hide it behind safe layers.

I am going to have to write my cousin Molly a letter soon and let her know that I can't make it to her wedding. Finanical reasons. I've tried everything I can to stretch my budget, make it work somehow, but I'd be left really, really struggling to pay some bills if I flew to Southern California in May. Molly was both cousin and friend growing up, she the tomboy and me the fainting princess. I made her be the father when we played House, of course. I'd always told her that I'd be at her wedding, and I can't express enough how happy I am for her. Molly is one of those people who makes you smile effortlessly. She truly is a Jester Faerie of the highest court....She and I grew up in different "money arenas." I'm hoping--but am not sure--that she'll understand where I'm coming from in regards to this. I know she'll be disappointed (I'd be, too) but I also know that I have to protect myself a little and make sure I can breathe when it's time to write out all those checks. The wedding's going to be a whopper! I'm also hoping that she and I can plan something more intimate, where maybe I can fly to California and get more one-on-one time with her. I can stay with her, and we'll just ramble and giggle like we used to, and everything will be much more relaxed (and far cheaper)....There's a part of me that's regretful about not attending for other reasons: my relatives. They're an interesting bunch, full of contradictions, and I have to admit it would be dramatic (in both good and bad ways) to see C and MA again. I think about some of my amazing cousins--Lisa, Terry, Toni, others--and about this missed opportunity to give them hugs and let them know how much I appreciate them....In the end, I am sending Molly tons of love, friendship, cousinship, and laughs.

This weekend was a fulfilling one: pizza and a movie at Kevin's, breakfast with J & a walk with Ollie and Ben & Mom Time on Saturday, BeNathan time on Sunday (I just gave Ben my horrible cold, and he is now in the throes of it!).

It's misty outside today, and full of possibility. My intense dreams keep flooding me, and Peace is squeezing my hand and seating me next to Grace. Those two aren't bad partners to be seated between at the Table of Understanding & Connection.