Wednesday, March 11, 2009

My family's horoscopes for this week, from Rob Brezny's Astrology Newsletter, as the four of us navigate the strange spaces of the heart.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Ancient Greek philosopher Pythagoras is known as "the father of numbers." He taught that mathematics provides the ultimate truth about reality. His otherwise productive career went through a rough patch when one of his students found that the square root of two is an "irrational" number that can't be expressed as a simple fraction. "Impossible!" said Pythagoras. His system was built on the axiom that there are no such numbers. Yet he couldn't refute the student's proof. By some accounts, Pythagoras had the student drowned for his impunity. The brilliant theorist couldn't deal with the threat to his dogma. I bring this to your attention, Aries, because you have an opportunity to do what Pythagoras couldn't: accept the evidence that your beliefs about reality are limited, and incorporate the new data into a revised worldview.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I decided to call my cable TV company to inquire about a mistake on my bill. From past experience, I suspected this would be a visit to the suburbs of hell. My expectations were soon fulfilled. After being cycled through three phases of the automated system, I was told by a machine that I'd get to speak with an actual person in 16 minutes. Then I was delivered into the aural torment of recorded smooth jazz. But a minute into the ordeal, something wonderful happened. The muzak gave way to a series of great indie rock tunes, including three I'd never heard before. A song that I later determined to be Laura Veirs' "Don't Lose Yourself" became my instant new favorite. By the time the billing consultant was ready for me, my mood was cheery. I predict a comparable sequence for you, Capricorn. An apparent trip to the suburbs of hell will have a happy ending that exposes you to fresh sources of inspiration.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I predict that you will go to a grungy thrift store to shop for bargain kitchen items but will instead buy a magic snow globe depicting a dolphin drinking beer from a fountain that's shaped like a silver stiletto pump, and when you get this talisman home you will discover that it gives you the power to hover and cruise a few feet off the ground, plus tune in to the secret thoughts of people who confuse you, and even time-travel into the past for brief ten-minute blasts that allow you to change what happened. And if my prediction's not accurate in every detail, I bet it will nonetheless be metaphorically true.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The foxglove plant can either be a hex or a healer. If you eat its flowers, your heart rate will zoom to a dangerous rate and your digestive system will go haywire. If, on the other hand, you have certain cardiac problems and partake of the foxglove's leaves, they will steady and strengthen your heart. I bet you can think of several influences in your life whose powers can be equally contradictory. According to my reading of the omens, it's an excellent time to get very clear about the differences, and take steps to ensure that you'll be exposed as little as possible to the negative effects.

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