Safe

This may be one of the most important words to ever grace the universe. I think I listen to the Plague Monkeys' song "Safe" so much because it reminds me of that feeling that comes with people, places, things. Our families can make us feel safe--or the complete opposite of that. Same with all those others who enter our life. Safe to me is: trust. Tori says in her song "Jamaica Inn"--"the sexiest thing is trust." I agree, Tori. That's the quality I want most in a life partner, if I ever find a life partner. Safe to me is: hugs; movies on Friday nights while eating pizza with friends; playing Hearts with Mom, Jordan, and Aaron while listening to really good music; reading a passage in a great book that reminds me that I'm not alone in my thought-patterns and that someone has that same thought-pattern imprinted, forever, in black velvety ink; wrapping up in a blanket and hugging my starfish pillow that Lizbeth made me; chatting with Cassandra without anyone around to think I'm weird for talking to a mannequin; coming home to a roommate or pet and, even while you're each doing your own thing, knowing there's another beating heart in the house; screaming really loud in the car while I'm driving down the road, with my music blasting and the windows closed, and I just scream and scream til I feel empty in that really good cleansing way; writing something in one of my novels that makes me cry; lying in the hammock and looking up at the sky between the tree branches; smiling at a stranger and having them smile back; more hugs; knowing that people believe I will get my novel(s) published, and knowing they really believe that and aren't just saying that because they love me; singing "Toy Solders" with Tara at the Alibi; spending the night with Mom in her hospital room after her surgery; hearing, while we're on the phone, how much Aaron is falling in love; flipping through a book of faerie drawings with Jordan and knowing that out of everyone in my life he and I sometimes have a secret language where we don't need to verbalize things all the time; walking down really cool alleys in Portland, wondering if any urban-faeries are chilling by rocks and roots and weeds and garbage cans, saying hi to me while they smoke their glitter cigarettes; seeing pictures of Matisse on my computer; eating chocolate; finishing "Buffy" and crying and knowing that I've reached the end of an era, in a really kick-ass way; hearing "Don't Fear the Reaper" on the radio, and how special that is, and that's why I'll never buy the Blue Oyster cult version....because it would take a grain of that specialness away if I could hear it whenever I want. Whew. Okay. That's enough for now. Maybe I'll end with this: being safe is looking back at the past and, instead of feeling regret or freaking out about something, just letting a little smile tug at the corner of my lips because I know this pulsing, breathing Nathan is a result of all those infinite Nathans I've been and will be and they've all led me--are leading me--here and everything is always, always okay.