Monday, January 30, 2006

Glitter Love Train

I had an absolutely amazing weekend--and am currently filled with lots of cheesy love for all my family and friends. This weekend involved lots of carthatic moments....I finished IT, re-read THE GHOST OF WINDY HILL (don't you love the smell of old books?), saw Imogen Heap with Kevin....Saturday was just magical, overall. The sun was out, both on the outside and on the inside;) Hey, I warned you....LOTS of cheesy love going on. I just loved seeing that concert with K-Boy! We met some nice people there, and the venue looked amazing....Imogen had this headband/leaf/butterfly thing curling up from her hair, and there were white lights like stars and more lights--pinks and blues--highlighting her from above. Zoe Keating opened for her, and she is one fantastic cello player, let me tell you. There were two other highlights on Saturday: I finished (finally) the chapter of my novel I've been working on since I moved to Portland and I experienced my first (Little) Earthquake. As Esther would make fun of, I found profound spiritual bliss in that moment. The earthquake physically symbolized what I was feeling in the "inner me." Plus, since it was so little, I naturally put two-and-two together and assigned it Tori Connection Status. Many skins were shedded this weekend, and there was also lots of healing. I rounded out the weekend by having an amazing, healing experience with Levi on Sunday. We watched "Six Feet Under," ate pizza, listened to music, and went for a ride in his new truck. Speaking of pizza, I flirted with the hot boy at Bella Faccia on Alberta, and I even posted something to him on CraigsList! I've never done that before. I guess today, Monday, is a day for "me and Craig." Levi sent me a lovely message, as well; I responded, but I haven't seen it pop up yet. I don't think technology and I are ever going to be the best of friends. On a final note, I am now reading Kahlil Gibran's THE PROPHET, given to me courtesy of Lizbeth. Talk about amazing. I got glitter-tears in my eyes on the bus (this seems to be a habit of mine). I really want Lizbeth to read Christopher Pike's SATI. I think she'd love it.

Friday, January 27, 2006


Isn't this a great picture? Here's Aaron, in Scotland, captured in a spontaneous moment. Gotta love it. To me, this image represents the entire "Sinclair family." We're goofy, one with nature, and we like the warm fuzzies that the sun provides--even on a chilly day. That day in Edinburgh was a momentous one....I had just started experiencing what I call the Year from Hell (i.e. Being 28).....This was taken as we ventured toward King Arthur's Seat. I stood atop the giant Seat and looked out over the land--the wind extremely strong--and the whole next year opened up before me, all the good stuff I'd go through, all the incredibly yucky stuff. I knew that Year 28/Year 2005 was going to be one where I'd have to reach inside, yank out my spiritual guts, examine them under a microscope, and stitch them back inside, scarred but better understood. On a side note, but related: I am just finishing up Stephen King's IT. I feel like King must have been possessed when writing this book, channeling some Ultra-Muse. This book is about childhood fears, conquering them as adults, facing down our worst enemies (often ourselves), and battling those Evil Clowns we're all scared of. IT is a faerietale ripped open, flipped inside out, and full of lots of blood and screaming--as all good faerietales are. As many of you know, I'm fascinated by faerietales and how they permeate our hearts and lead us to make personal moral and ethical decisions. They've been told since the beginning of time, and creep through forests, castles, and suburbia in modern times. I recommend reading IT, then watching POLTERGEIST (another Evil Clown, alongside a human-hungry tree) and you'll understand what I mean about Facing Down Fear. It's interesting how so many people try to create a life of dichotomy: after a breakup, we want to believe in a "you and me"; as an adult, we want to believe in a "that was me as a kid and this is me all grownup." However, there are no firm lines. Everything is blurry. We carry every one of our lovers with us, a permanent part of us, and we all have different versions of ourselves inside vying for attention. I have the five-year-old me starting his first day of kindergarten, the twelve-year-old me whose father just walked out the door, the eighteen-year-old me coming out of the closet, the twenty-something me saying goodbye to a boyfriend.....I'm trying to not just tolerate, but to embrace, the blurry....

Thursday, January 26, 2006


Nathan: Super Insurance Assistant

First things first....Thank you to my lovely friend Tara for creating this blog for me. I didn't even ask....She just went ahead and sucked me into the new era of technology! It's taken me a while, but here I am. Sometime I'll have to tell you all about the albino alligator, for those who don't know. On another note, before the below "blog on sacrifices," let me just tell you how much I love Tara.....THIS MUCH (imagine my arms stretched wide, then hugging her). She gave me a beautiful card which is tucked into the corner of my mirror. There's a faerie/queen/witch, dressed in white, holding a bloody heart in her hand....She's surrounded by polar bears (or at least I imagine the polar bears spill out past the borders of the card). She's in Antartica; the bloody heart keeps her warm. Tara knows how my imagination works! Love you, T. Okay now....

Well, lately I've been thinking a lot about sacrifices. Both the emotional and physical kind. Here's an example from a book I just read--AN EGG ON THREE STICKS, by Jackie Moyer Fischer. I had written this message to Lizbeth, who'd highly recommended the book to me. Spoiler alert--this quote gives away the book's ending:

"I found the book's ending fascinating, particularly the idea of 'emotional sacrifices' (which sometimes take on physical forms). Abby talks about how people have 'one bad thing' that 'stamps' them in life. Divorce. A disability. A son in the war. The list goes on and on. She becomes terrified and sad because she ends up burdened with 'two sad things'--her mother's mental illness and her pregnancy (which, naturally, she doesn't want to take responsibility for). In the end, when she finds her mother, she is oddly enough unburdened of both 'bad things' at the same time. Both are physical blood sacrifices while at the same time emotional sacrifices. Abby has a miscarriage; her mother has succeeded in committing suicide. Out of three generations in the room, Abby is the only one left in the physical plane. It's hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I read that part. It's almost like her mother's death ALLOWED Abby to have the miscarriage (and I for sure believe she was, indeed, pregnant). And while suicide and a miscarriage are tragic things, they are also weights lifted off Abby's shoulders, albeit in very sad, tragic ways....Abby can now move past her mother's illness, as can the rest of her family--evidenced in that glimpse of relief she catches in her father's eyes at the funeral. She can move past the pregnancy and maybe reclaim, even a little bit, being a child again.

At the end, she's gone through so much....she is now able to 'handle two tears.' And I find it powerful, magical, and beautiful that she sees the two feet of the angel on the table, two feet she never noticed before, two feet that parallel her mother's two bare feet on the carpet when Abby finds she has passed away. Abby will always have a piece of her mother with her and within her. And, with the angel at the table, her mother is always looking out for her, a guardian angel of sorts. Her mother will always have a place at the family table."

So there we go. A final note on sacrifices: Sometimes I think we have to (uber-) consciously choose to make the "wrong" choice....This keeps us sane and allows us to make the right ones most of the rest of the time. For instance, this week I canceled plans at the last minute with Kevin--for very good reasons, mind you--and didn't go to my volunteer job at Our House of Portland, which is a residential facility for people living with AIDS. I had (semi-) decent reasons for this, as well. Still, I could have worked around both things and "made them happen." But I needed a break, needed to "sacrifice" these Good Karma Things so that I could ride the purple glitter wave without hesitation.....Mix karma with a REALLY bad Saturday, toss in Monday's foot pain, sprinkle in a dash of melodrama, and you have the perfect recipe for recuperation! Oh, and the dessert for all this--watching "Buffy" and "Angel." Cures me every time.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I love how his cute little fingers curl under like a baby's

Yes, it's me. I'm not looking too fresh these days.

Nathan! Hope you're having a sunshiny Marsh morning

Hey Nathan, it's me. I hope you like your website, I'll show you how to use it and a change it next time we're together. You don't have to use it at all I just thought it would be cool to start one for you. When you become famous and publish you can use it as a blog for all your fans to come and comment and contact you! It's gonna happen :) I can't wait.
Love you, Tara

testing, testing: