Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Heart Mendings

Last night I sat down with Christina as she flipped through the book of an artist she really likes. The main theme of the drawings & illustrations revolved around hearts – giving your heart to someone; having your heart ripped out of you by someone; wondering if you’ll ever get your heart back again. Some of the men and women, boys and girls, seemed willing; others were beaten and sad; yet others had resilience in their eyes. I headed home after our visit (yummy burrito hour, sit-on-the-floor time, storybook hour) and popped in the next episode of Felicity (which I’m currently re-watching). And what episode was it? The Twilight Zone-inspired episode, filmed in black-and-white, about Felicity’s devilish encounters with the doctor, nurse, victims, and potential victims of The Clinic, where a “new procedure” allows them to cut your heart right out of you once you’ve had it broken by love. You’re able to keep on living, but you won’t be tempted to fall in love again, give into romantic ideals, or allow yourself to trust anyone ever again. While the end of the episode has its own dark twist, Felicity did escape the evil of The Clinic – without giving into the procedure. Her heart's intact, ready to take chances again.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

quote of the day.

"As a man who has devoted his whole life to the most clear-headed
science, to the study of matter, I can tell you as a result of my research
about the atoms this much: There is no matter as such! All matter
originates and exists only by virtue of a force which brings the particles of
an atom to vibration and holds this most minute solar system of the atom
together . . . We must assume behind this force the existence of a
conscious and intelligent Mind. This Mind is the matrix of all matter."

- Nobel Prize-winning physicist Max Planck, from a speech he delivered in
Florence, Italy in 1944, entitled "Das Wesen der Materie" (The Character
of Matter)

The Little Dog Laughed

Little Dog – Douglas Carter Beane’s hilarious and bluntly graphic comedy had a wildly successful run off-Broadway last season, ran briefly on Broadway (where it was nominated for three Tonys), and is one of the raciest shows Portland Center Stage has done.

The story revolves around Mitchell Greene, a closeted gay movie star, whose facade begins to crack when he falls for a particularly sweet and alluring young rent-boy. Which might not be the end of the world, were his economic future (as well as his agent’s) not tied to presenting the perfect picture of masculinity to middle American women. Utilizing razor wit, and quick cinematic scenes, Beane conjures an extremely frank depiction of how love and sex is navigated between two men struggling to own their desires. Sex, love, skin, high heels: who could ask for more?

This production contains adult themes, sexual content and nudity.

“…the tastiest homegrown comedy of manners to hit New York since Mr. Beane's As Bees in Honey Drown.'' ~Ben Brantley, New York Times

(Brik Berkes and Dennis Flanagan as Mitchell and Alex)

Saturday, April 26, 2008

had another dream....

....about brian griffin last night.

Friday, April 25, 2008

this makes me happy:

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

License Plates and Other Interesting Occurrences

The last couple weeks have been a mishmash of images and convergences:

The robin smacking into the sliding glass door after I'd just written a scene in my novel about a robin smacking into a sliding glass door.

Tara's Shakespearean/King Lear take on the first season of Twin Peaks.

The Echo Maker.

Jacki's dream about the peacock and Snowy Owl....Tara and I recently had a talk about peacocks, and their mystical presence....She sent me a card of a woman with peacock "wings" sprouting from her back, and I took a picture of myself posed behind peacock feathers. And, since Snowy Owls play a significant role in my novel, I found it extra fascinating and wonderful that Jacki (a coworker of mine at Our House) came up to me and told me she had an urge to talk to me about her dream....In it, a beautiful peacock was perched on the top branch of a tree, right above a Snowy Owl on a lower branch. The peacock swooped down gracefully and spread its wings over the owl.

My secret dream about the Witch and the Horned Owl.

Smurfette's bizarre appearance in several places in Portland.

Matt's observation about the Doubting Thomas reference in Lawn Dogs.

A horrible encounter with a license plate.

Nicole Linde's Solstice.

So much more.

Lately, my highs and lows have been working me over. I feel exuberant and totally exhausted at the same time! It's hard to describe. Right now I'm foggy and a touch sad and a touch curious. I've been analyzing lots of my choices in regards to some of my relationships, and also my part in them, my desire -- consciously or subconsciously -- to fill up parts of me that can't live with the mystery of my childhood. Maybe that's not a bad thing -- maybe I needed to know the underbelly of some things. It's only after the burns that I wish I'd stuck to ice cream. Hmm.

Had myself a good cry (or three) on Sunday, and Ollie just came over and gave me his "What can I do?" look and that made everything okay.

I am so happy at Our House, so thankful for my mother, so missing my brothers, so loving my writing, and so intrigued by my relationships with men. Gosh, I think I want all the answers, but if I really pause to reflect I realize: where's the Romantic Scavenger Hunt in any of that? I say bring on the clues, those little scraps of enlightenment! Puzzles weren't pieced together in a day -- at least with my weird style of sleuthing!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

excerpt of the day.

From Rob Brezny's
How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings*



Rank your favorite doomsday scenarios in order of preference.

____A new ice age

____Destruction of ozone layer

____Dramatic upsurge in earthquakes, volcanoes, and hurricanes

____Universal drug addiction

____Mass starvation

____Takeover by monsters created through genetic engineering

____Genocide of the imagination; lethal proliferation of dangerous images

____Terrifying, contagious superstitions spread by apocalyptic pop

____Insects and bacteria conspire to cull planet's most dangerous

____Multinational corporate criminals create a single, globe-spanning
totalitarian state with concentration camps that are the setting for
popular reality TV shows

____Mutated flu strain becomes unstoppable plague

____Extraterrestrial invasion

____Cataclysmic degeneration of language into incomprehensible babble
and cliché

____Anthrax and LSD dumped in water supplies

____Revolt of super-intelligent machines

____Stupidity becomes popular

____Mass hypnosis by evil political and religious leaders

____President, suffering from mental illness, goes berserk and nukes
Mecca, Moscow, Beijing

____Virus from outer space

____Virus from inner space

____Essential natural resources run out

____Global addiction to porn results in accidental mass suicides through
excessive masturbation

____Psychic terrorists administer mass brainwashing that causes millions
to buy so many products they can't afford that they become destitute,
can't afford health care, and die from diseases caused by eating junk food
out of garbage cans

____The Internet births itself as a sentient global brain, but it's so riddled
with spam that it becomes a god-like cripple suffering from the Artificial
Intelligence version of Alzheimer's

____Earth is hit by comet, asteroid, or mini-black hole

____Wealthy philanthropists give everyone in the world $100,000,
causing mass insanity

____Sun goes supernova

____Breakthroughs in disease control make it hard for people who are
tired of living to die, leading to a pandemic of depression

____The devil possesses everyone in the world

____Nuclear war


Sunday, April 13, 2008

Red Dresses, etc.

Last night I went to the Red Dress Party here in PDX ( -- what a hoot! Sally, Allen, and I headed over to the warehouse on Friday afternoon to help set up. I was in charge of the smoke stacks for the "steamboat". It was great; my butch side came out; I got all dirty and covered in paint as I primed and painted those mo-fos to perfection. Fate would have it that, last night, Sally was taking my picture in front of the smoke stacks outside the front doors/red carpet, and right then they decided to turn on the fog machine. So, bam!, "smoke" coming out of those stacks I created.

The Red Dress Party is an event where everyone -- men and women alike -- MUST wear a red dress to get in. Proceeds go to local non-profits, charities, etc. and they always have a red theme. This year? The Red Sea. I loved the dangling starfish, fishnets, and --in one lady's case -- her painted-on dress. That's right; she pulled a Demi-Moore-on-Vanity-Fair and came naked save for that paint. It was fun to be a part of it from start to finish (and to know Our House is one of the recipients of the proceeds). I got a VIP ticket, and Sally and I chatted with so many great folks as we drank, ate, and bopped around through all the cool areas...the body painting area....the sea anenome cushions/mattresses....the port holes where you got your drinks...Storm Large and her band playing....the ships and lights and fog and dance stages and great music and awesome art all over the place....Just lovely.

Here I am:

Here I am looking mysterious behind peacock feathers:

Saturday, April 12, 2008


Go to and look me up and I'll add you as a "friend".

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

quote of the day

"Why do we focus so intensely on our problems? What draws us to them? Why are they so attractive? They have the magnet power of love: somehow we desire our problems; we are in love with them much as we want to get rid of them . . . Problems sustain us -- maybe that's why they don't go away. What would a life be without them? Completely tranquilized and loveless . . . There is a secret love hiding in each problem . . . ."

- James Hillman, *The Essential James Hillman: A Blue Fire,* edited
by Thomas Moore

Tuesday, April 08, 2008


"Savage" must be the word for me over the past few days. Saw The Savages with Mom on Saturday (we loved it), and now Dan Savage wrote this eulogy for his mother, who passed away on Monday. I have tears in my eyes right now. Here's the link. To all those awesome mothers out there, we gay boys really, really love you!

Hugs to all,
From my own personal Savage Garden,

mood of the morning, while writing, thinking about B

Friday, April 04, 2008


one of my new favorite songs. i think it will be forever: